Consequences - Part 7 of 9

"How are you two doing tonight?" asked the waitress. "Enjoying our rooftop terrace?"

"Yeah," Jack said. "The weather's nice this evening."

"It is," the waitress said. "Are both of you ready to order, or should I give you a few more minutes?"

Jack looked at me, and I gave him a slight nod. "I think we're ready," he said.

"Excellent," the waitress said. She turned to me. "Ladies first?"

I paused awkwardly for a moment. "Right. Sure." I peered at my menu, reminding myself of my choice.

---

After the waitress had taken our orders and left, Jack gave me a concerned look. "Are you okay, Sarah? You've been acting a bit out-of-it lately."

I weighed whether or not, and how much, to tell Jack about what was going through my head. It wasn't going away on its own, though, and revealing it was starting to sound less uncomfortable than hiding it. "Jack, I... there's something strange going on with my mind," I began. "I feel like I should be used to my new body by now, but I'm not. It still doesn't feel like my own."

"Huh," Jack said. "I know body swapping isn't like that for everyone... but I guess it's not that surprising, right? I mean, you lived in your old body for years and years, and you've only had that one for what, nine months? I'm sure you'll feel happy in it eventually. It's an easy body to appreciate, after all."

"It's not that I don't like it," I said. "It's a wonderful body. It's just not mine. I mean, the evening after I swapped with Kirsten, I didn't feel like 'I'm Kirsten Falk', or even 'I'm a girl'. I felt like 'I'm Will Martin, wearing Kirsten Falk's body'. It was like a costume, or a doll that I could dress up and play with. And you're right - none of that is surprising, is it?"

"For the first evening? Not at all," Jack said.

"But here's the thing," I continued. "As time went on... that feeling didn't really go away. When I first learned I'd be keeping this body long-term, I had the same thoughts as you. I was excited to have such complete access to a hot girl's body - and sure, it felt weird and foreign, but new things usually feel like that, and I figured the feeling wouldn't last. I managed to get in the habit of doing all the usual girl things - wearing girls' clothes, makeup, earrings, keeping track of my period - all of that. And it wasn't hard to stop thinking of this body as Kirsten's, especially once she got her new body. But I never started thinking of this body as mine. Every time I look in the mirror, I don't see myself. I see a pretty girl whose body I'm driving."

"I see," Jack said after a moment. "And you're afraid you'll stay like this forever?"

"Yeah," I said. "I've been waiting for it to get better, but it hasn't."

Jack nodded silently, then rested his gaze on me for a few seconds. "Even if that body never feels like yours, though, is that bad?" he said. "I mean, there are a lot worse fates than driving a pretty girl's body all the time."

"I know," I said. "It could be way worse. But it's still messing with my head. I keep dissociating from myself. When I masturbate, I have to pretend I'm pleasuring another girl - not because I want to cheat on you, I swear - but because my bits feel all wrong unless I think of them as someone else's. I feel awkward whenever I'm reminded that someone is seeing me as - as this." I looked down at my body. "As a girl. As Sarah. It feels like it's just a role I'm playing. And that makes it hard to feel close to people."

Jack looked downcast. "I'm sorry," he said. "I've been seeing you as Sarah because you told me that was your name now. And I love the person you've become. I've been feeling closer to you than ever. I didn't know I was hurting you."

"I have been feeling close to you, too," I said. "I know you love me as a person, and I love how much you show that. I guess I just feel like... when I'm being loved as a girl, I'm not being loved for the real me." I paused to gather my thoughts. "But please don't blame yourself for any of this. You didn't know, and I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. And I know you gave me the advice to go by a girl's name, but it was good advice at the time. I took the advice because I thought it would help me adjust to being a girl. But it didn't work. I still feel like a guy deep down. It's like I'm reverse transgender or something. I turned from a guy into a girl, and now I'm feeling trapped in the wrong body."

"Is this about gender?" Jack asked. "Or is it just about being in a different body? Any swap can be a big change, can't it?"

"I guess," I said, "but there's a big difference between male and female bodies. And there's also a big difference between living as a guy and as a girl. I don't think I'd feel this way if I swapped into another guy's body."

"Is... is that something you want to do?" Jack asked. "Do you want to trade that body away? Go back to being a guy?"

"I don't know," I said. "I want to feel like myself again. But I don't want to lose you." We had talked about it casually in the past, and Jack had told me he was only interested in girls.

Jack sighed and hung his head. "Well, when you pick one, let me know which."

---

Jack and I sat in silence until our food arrived, then ate in silence for at least as long. Eventually, though, Jack spoke up again.

"I've been thinking," he said. "About what you said, about feeling like you're playing a role. Isn't that just what all social interaction is? We all wear masks for each other, don't we?"

"Well, kind of," I said. "But not like this. Like, of course we don't tell everything about ourselves to everyone. But that's not the same as deceiving other people about yourself. Back when I was a guy, I felt like my friends knew the real me, even if it was only part of me."

Jack shook his head, as if to clear it. "I promise I believe you about your own feelings," he said. "I'm just trying to understand. But I don't. Your body is so much better than any male body I've ever seen. In a heartbeat, I'd spend the rest of my life in a body just like it. No matter what I do, I can't see it like you do. Like it's... wrong."

"Lots of guys fantasize about swapping with hot girls," I said. "I know I did. But if you had to live in a girl's body, maybe you'd understand. You can't just lie around playing with your boobs all day. You have to go to school as a girl. If you want to hang out with your friends, you have to do it as a girl. You have to eat as a girl. Sleep as a girl. Brush your teeth as a girl. Every day. No breaks."

"Sounds like heaven to me," Jack said. "I mean, can you imagine? Not having to play the same old role you always did. Not having to be 'such a handsome young man'. Not having to be so hard and strong all the time. It would be such a fresh experience. So freeing. To just be you for once." Jack put his hand on his forehead. "Look at me. I forgot who I'm talking to."

I gave Jack a weird look. "I don't think all of that is... normal," I said.

"Isn't it?" Jack said. "I'm a straight guy. Straight guys love girls."

"Straight guys don't love being girls," I said. "They love dating girls, and fucking girls, and maybe swapping with girls and playing with their bodies every now and then."

"I love dating girls," Jack said. "I love dating a girl. Or... a guy driving a girl's body? But..." Jack closed his eyes and sighed. "I would love to be a girl too."

I nodded, then sat quietly, thinking, for a few seconds. "What if we swapped bodies?" I said.

"Huh?" Jack said, sounding almost in disbelief.

"We could buy a ticket to the swap clinic," I said. "I could make sure I'd feel better again as a guy, and you could make sure you really would feel better as a girl. And after a little while, depending on how we feel... we could decide whether to stay in each other's bodies, or swap back, or something else."

"But where would we get the money?" Jack asked.

"We'd find a way," I said. "One-off jobs. Asking our parents. Some combination, probably. It might take a month or two, but we could get there."

Jack nodded. "I'd love to try having your body," he said. "But I don't think I could date a guy - much less my old body. I'd miss being together with you."

"I'd miss it too, if we have to break up," I said. "But I don't want to give up hope just yet. I know this is kind of a long shot, but I'm pretty sure I was straight before I swapped into this body, and now I'm bi. Maybe whatever this body did to me, it'll do to you too."

Jack spent a couple of seconds taking that in. "It's a weird thought for me," he said. "A new body changing my sexuality - my mind - like that. But I love you, and I want to keep loving you, no matter what body you're in. I guess it's worth a shot."

"Yeah," I said. "And if it doesn't work... we can go back to being best friends, right?"

"Of course," Jack said. By the sound of it, he wasn't thrilled at that possibility - but neither was I.

---

After all of that heavy stuff, Jack and I weren't in the mood for casual conversation, so we finished our food in silence. Neither of us were in the mood for dessert, either, so when the waitress returned, we just asked her for the check.

"I'm sorry I can't be your perfect girlfriend," I said as we were getting up to leave. "I love making you happy. But I can't do it like this anymore."

"It's okay, Will," Jack said. "You shouldn't have to be anyone's girlfriend. You're a guy. And I'm not happy if you're not happy."

"Thank you," I said, smiling.

"I feel so stupid," Jack said. "Even though you answered all of my questions, it took me forever to understand how you feel. It's... a lot like how I feel. But in the opposite direction."

I gave Jack a hug. "It's not always easy for guys and girls to understand each other."

Jack embraced me back. "It's really true, isn't it?" he said. "I'm a girl. I'm a trans girl. Why me?"

"Had to be someone, I guess," I said.

"I guess," Jack said. He detached himself from me. "Should we get going?"

"Probably best not to loiter around," I said.

After we left the restaurant, we got back in Jack's parents' car, which they let him borrow for the evening. He picked me up in it, and now he'd drop me off.

"So," I asked as we were driving, "if I'm Will again now... who are you?"

"I don't know," Jack said. "But I'll do my best to guess. And after we swap, I'll find out for sure."

(Continued in Part 8.)